11
August 2026
My
partner leaves for work by 9. Just months prior, I’d be up and handling some chores
or random practical stuff trying to stay out of her way until she’s left. The
last couple months I’m finally getting full sleep and I’m precious about that; I
can’t fall asleep until well after midnight. I’m usually up by 10. Check
weather and scan New York Times, Reuters, and Associated Press headlines before
getting out of bed. Yesterday I was promptly in the pool at our local Y. I have
a light breakfast at the counter while reviewing independent journalists’ recent
social feeds. It’s the least I can do, to pay attention to corruption and withering
democracy here in the States and to injustices that others are enduring here
and worldwide. Click my support, and warn others. I remind myself of the white-tailed
deer, head comes up, evaluates, then maybe a signaling tail, too. Repost warnings
and useful information for others to heed for our safety.
I may
high-tail it myself, outbound. It's pretty feasible I’m on an AI list of political
unsavouries according to our current government’s “enemy” parameters because
I’ve been publicly critical of the administration. Or because I’m a feminist,
or a lesbian, or because I’ve some Lebanese Druse heritage, or various other
offenses to hysterical psychopaths in charge. It’s not so much about my physical
survival as it is about fulfilling what feels like my purpose. That, and
self-respect, and principles, and the unstable, imbecile repugnants milling
about like prerecorded zombies. I steel myself and dedicate the first part of
my days to this ugly task.
In the
past I may have written poetry about all this (gestures outward) but the horror
is too profound for much poetic notion and I’m not processing its immense emotion
– yet. Poetry feels too self-indulgent or just deficient. But I understand the
arguments for art-making in crises. The very idea of poetry doesn’t resonate
with me when the world is on fire, souls are on fire, all lit by pyromaniac
ghouls closing in. Instead, I grasp at “strategic planning” straws that at
least provide me a sense of agency even though my effort could be fruitless. Or
maybe such cantankerousness is how I deal with chaos-induced disorientation. Poetry
can come later. It always does.

My
mornings consist of this kind of thinking in a coffin-quiet apartment. I read
and consider, try to prioritize being of use and how I might be least
burdensome, and what time/focus/intuition dictates I do next. I’ll prepare tea then
sit at my desk to work, with phone nearby but sound off. I get mundane matters
handled first – setting appointments, returning calls, paying bills or
following through on a commitment. I utilize two monitors, for ergonomics and
for mental flow. I have several creative projects going at any given time - it
may be one or two poetry manuscripts, random poems, or a video project, or
audio/music, or a political manifesto, a novel, a screenplay, or a non-fiction
book. It sounds stupid but it’s how I work and I often have to switch my focus.
It’s like Tetris with creative projects, fitting appropriate blocks between
time and focus constraints. Getting a medical procedure later this week that
may take me out for a few days or couple weeks, unsure yet. But I’m determined
to finish this one particular project in a month’s time. Then another project
to wrap up the following month.
I’ve
never focused on a writing career, though it’s what I’ve wanted since I was a
teen. I’ve never focused on a film career but it’s also what I wanted since I
was barely an adult. My life has been a series of other priorities. Raising my
son, human relationships, small businesses, non-profit work, activism,
eldercare, my health. This is why I’ve primarily written poetry – I haven’t had
proper periods of time for projects that demand long hours of focus, or funds
to arrange it so. Many of these priorities have fallen away, the good things
have settled, and I trust writing will soon be my main focus.
The
most pressing priority over the last year, and whenever it has demanded, has
been my health. Could be looking at various surgeries. I’ve already had eight
major ones that each took months of recovery. I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, so
my connective tissue has been a lifelong problem. Not to complain, we all have
our difficulties, but it is impactful to a creative life; it requires a lot of my
time and focus between physical maintenance and medical appointments. Plus,
it’s exhausting, hard to stay on task, sometimes hard to push through pain.
Aging with it can get overwhelming and intensely tricky.
Until
last year, I spent eight years caring for my parents and my aunt. First, as
primary care, then as secondary, plus a good deal of management duties. I had
unexpectedly found myself (and my first-class partner) staying in Michigan while
I ran my Philadelphia/Jersey business remotely. Then sold it and started a
local art gallery and frame shop, running that until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
I mean, I couldn’t physically stand anymore.
I’d
begun a nonfiction manuscript in 2009, along with other fanciful projects. I’ve
worked on it periodically between priorities but it was neglected for at least
a decade. In 2023, a few years after my dad passed and I’d recovered from three
surgeries, I couldn’t physically hold a job any longer and I took time to make
some real headway with it. It was a special time in our loft space, when one
neighbor took legal action to force our mutually adjoined neighbor, a
middle-aged drummer and concert host, to cease his aggressive and amplified noise-making.
It was also right after the neighboring shelter and soup kitchen moved their
entrance around the corner. And after the city’s vice department finally busted
the violent dealers selling fentanyl and whatever other deadly shit to the
homeless folks on the sidewalk under our windows.

The
light in the loft was divine, like the long-missed silence. My inner world was
uninterrupted. Breakfast and lunch were so quick and easy I didn’t have to
think about it. Every other day I’d go early to the gym or to physical therapy.
My workspace was perfect. I finally broke through the barrier of the neglected
manuscript. Words flowed. The large space allowed me to get up frequently and
walk around, stretch, recline as needed, heat and ice, take time out to care for
myself throughout the day. That was pretty much it, and it was glorious. I
churned out hundreds, even thousands, of words per day before my love arrived
home. We’d cook and eat together, get our fill of stories and anecdotes,
character voices, enjoy music, sometimes with absurd dancing, sometimes errands
or walks. I called my aunt every single evening around 10 to at least say,
“nighty-night” to each other. She lived alone, though legally blind, hard of
hearing, had various issues related to old age and so had to use a walker. That’s
some grit. I’d maybe return to my desk to write for another couple hours when my
partner retired to bed.Weekends
with the last two elders were as lovely as they could be in the circumstances. In
2024 they both rapidly declined. If you already don’t know, you can imagine how
much care, planning, management, sitting, listening, hand-holding, fussing,
dreading. Just a couple months after Mom died, and in the midst of moving my poor
aunt into a skilled nursing home, we were forced out of our beautiful loft
because of toxic dust falling from the open rafters during a roofing debacle. Every
inch of our place was covered in black tar and debris. Lab-certified toxic. And
it kept falling. We were displaced for months, living in hotels during the
weeks and weekends we stayed at the family home an hour away, cleaning up, holding
the estate sale, making updates, staging, then an open house and showings to
sell it (my partner was our realtor). It finally sold before Christmas.
Our aunt
died during the time when we were still moving into our new apartment. Funeral
arranging came next. I even performed a song that she had requested – first
time since I was a teen and I can’t believe I held it together to deliver it acapella.
I was apparently functional inside the fog of death, a fog that surrounds death
on all sides, obscures it from the future, even, as memory mis/behaves. You
remember general events and facts if you’re lucky. And feel a deep haunting if
you’re feeling.
Grief soon
followed those necessary tasks. Grieving the sweet and complicated loves, their
awful agonies, their regrets, my regrets, and fears of regrets my son or
siblings may later have. Grieving our own home, and my family’s home – the woods
there, and land, and creek, and pond, and night sky with that specific dark
tree line. They’re all so close in my heart but I’m still not myself. Or I’m
not yet familiar with my new self. I keep saying that these times require us to
grow another limb to function. Adapting the heart after loss, well, I don’t
have sound insight about that yet.
We’ve had
this ground floor apartment for over a year now. It’s a shoebox, really. A
small cave. The only windows face east to a parking lot. But it’s new and clean
and quiet. My obligations have dwindled. I helped my son, as much as I could,
during a difficult transitional time in his life so that he’s settled. I’ve
organized our household and files. I’ve archived all the family media,
including recipes and memorabilia. I scanned and edited photos, digitized
videos, and made memorial films for the dear ones. Edited family videos for genealogy
and posterity – footage of my interviews of the elders from years ago, plus the
old 8mm stuff. I’m sure it’s all helped to process the loss. I’m hoping it
helps family do the same as they need.
Yet, too
much here haunts, both locally and in this infected country. My partner and I
are restless. It feels like closing a chapter by getting slowly squeezed.
Invasive surveillance, vicious authoritarianism and its hateful offshoots, and
scarcity are closing in. Many here seem to be proverbial frogs in the soup,
hence, my morning rituals; to keep informed and unacclimated. It’s easy to be
complacent when the necessity for sacrifice isn’t clearly impending. So, we’re pretty
much prepared for the next move. I keep my ear to the ground, or in the air,
rather, and try to wrap up loose ends, tune loose projects, tighten loose
joints as much as I can before we’re again in motion.
It’s
probably pretty obvious at this point in my rambling that in order to describe
my days, I’m compelled to give background and other context – the theatre around
this moment in time for me and my writing life.
All to
explain that here, after the priorities of caregiving, duties, preparations,
moves, completions, and intense loving, there is a sense of small pockets of
voided space in this apartment and in my chest. I imagine miniscule,
gravity-heavy black holes floating about, tugging at whatever passes by. When I
go to sit at my desk, my heart seems to snag for moments, and I find myself in
a slight tussle before I can fully turn to a project. I can’t say I’m unhappy,
or unsatisfied, or that I’m any worse off than other times in my life. In fact,
I’m oddly more at peace than ever, even if I find myself holding my breath at
times. To respond to a prompt such as “tell me about your days,” the first
thing, the most prevalent thing, about my days, is this soul-catching silence,
after death, between news of deaths of innocents, of innocence, and of so many aspects
of the sacred natural world. Silence from the death of freely speaking and
silence of people we know on the difficult topics. Silence from the confounding
death of justice. Silence of distance from various types and styles of warfare.
Silence before our rapid reflexes, a bounding response we pray will help us
escape such horrors worse than death. It's also vital.
When silence
isn’t a gift, it’s an obnoxiously vague, lingering question, increasingly
present in our times. Fortunately for me, I’ve been able to use it, mostly, to
fuel productivity. So far, I eventually shake it off enough to not drag heavy
trouble from one day to the next. I settle my evenings with a cup of herbal tea
and learning a little French before bed.
Hassen
Saker is a North American experimental poet and interdisciplinary creator,
working with texts, audio, photography, film, new media, performance, &
actions (i.e., forming organizations & a meta-religion as activist-art
projects). Her written works have been published in various journals,
anthologies, & small presses. Her published collections of poetry include Salem
(belladonna* books, 2005); Sky Journal (Dusie Press, 2014); &
Consolation Snacks (Furniture Press, 2017). Her poetry film shorts
include terra lingua: three aspects (2013); Sky Journal (2014); &
Beasts: Rivers (2023). Saker’s multimedia & art/poetry film
installations have been featured online, over radio, in public art spaces &
galleries. She has performed in numerous venues throughout cities in the U.S.
She
has collaborated with wonderful creators like poet Deborah Poe with her poetry film Solastalgia
(2017) &
with artist/engineer/scientist/educator Natalie
Jeremijenko & her xDesign Environmental Health
Clinic at NYU.
Saker
has been a sustainable business owner, gallerist & art framer, professional
organizer, etc, living in Los Angeles, Oakland, Chicago, Philadelphia, &
South Jersey. She now lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan with her partner, Lauren
Cavote.
More
at hassensaker.com